Graduation has turn into grad-d’oh!-ation, as colleges maintain long previous online and public gatherings had been cancelled as a result of pandemic. Who higher than Homer to drawl your quarantine graduation speech?
The sphere is in crisis, beset by challenges heretofore unseen. Ones which are checking out spirits and reserves. Ones that is no longer going to permit you to support concert events, carrying events, family reunions, and graduation ceremonies. Sorry regarding the first two (the third has mavens and cons), however permit us to abet on that fourth front. Sooner than The Simpsons’ season 31 finale (Sunday at 8 p.m. on Fox) — and in the course of this tainted world pandemic — EW requested Homer Simpson, one of many most bright and laziest characters in TV historical previous, to drawl your socially distanced graduation speech. Have to mild the actual person that got each and every arms trapped in two varied merchandising machines and who as soon as declared, “Trying is the 1st step toward failure” offer advice and aphorisms to this one year’s graduates? In no way. Here he is.
Greetings, class of 2020. We’re going by technique of a spirited time. Nonetheless let me repeat you this: Because your ceremonies are canceled, I’m succesful of make certain you, you’re lacking absolutely nothing. Sitting in the present sun for three hours, paying attention to a megastar you idea used to be funny however turns out no longer to be. I’m taking a explore at you, Madeleine Albright. They’re excellent going to repeat you to apply your dreams. Obviously they can — they’re a success. They’re the one-in-a-million particular person for whom following their dreams works. That prospects are you’ll as smartly maintain a fats, lazy slob give the speech, which is why I’m here as we teach. I’m here to present you a very grand thing of all: existence advice.
Tip No. 1: In the event that they’re towing your automobile, to find in. Then it becomes kidnapping. Tip No. 2: You to find drunker on rum and Weight reduction program Coke than on rum and Coke. Tip No. 3: This speech is performing in a magazine called Leisure Weekly, which comes out monthly. I picture you to grab on to it, because there is no longer going to be leisure nor magazines for an extended whereas. Tip No. 4: This speech is presupposed to be 500 phrases. Most bright comply with 250 phrases. 5 hundred is technique too many. Plan, technique too many. Tip No. 5: Carpe diem. I judge it technique “fish for a dime.” Appropriate develop it.
Now, if you’re a college pupil, I deserve to ask you this: Why had been you paying room and board for the closing semester? And what’s “board” anyway? And undergo in mind, that you can likely be leaving college, however they’re no longer leaving you. They will advance after you the relaxation of your existence for money. Have to you’re a high college pupil, here is a appropriate time to maintain a one year off and shuffle the realm…out of your bed- room. And maintain consolation in this: Have to you’re no longer invited to a graduation celebration over Zoom, huge deal. I’m trapped in a condominium with my three kids. And since Flanders is more than six feet away, I’m succesful of’t spray him with the hose anymore. I’ve got a high-stress nozzle approaching Thursday. They shriek nuclear energy is a very grand change, which is why I’m no longer allowed in the nuclear plant. This present day, as your horizons are expanding a thousandfold, please undergo in mind to remain indoors on a conventional basis.
One thing I’m succesful of repeat you now that you’re graduating — nothing you’ve realized the previous four years will ever advance up again. No one dissects frogs, no one talks about Beowulf. That’s what existence is fancy as an grownup. It stinks. Don’t graduate. On behalf of my generation, I would gain to inform regret for the deliver of the realm. Nonetheless that could perchance used to be particular fun to kick all of the technique down the aspect road. Now it’s your flip. The sphere would be contaminated, however it is possible you will have the flexibility to mild build it a exiguous worse. On the plus aspect, traces at Six Flags over Springfield are gigantic short now. Going to church is prohibited. And I haven’t stopped at a purple mild for eight weeks. God bless you and amen.
A message from Simpsons showrunner Al Jean: “On behalf of Simpsons writers and Homer, because of EW and most of all, you, the followers: Have to that you can likely be taking a explore to abet in this uncromulent time, why no longer investigate cross-check FeedingAmerica.org. Have safe!”